Karyn
“There is so much I want to write about; I want to share with the world, so it’s time to take my life back.”
🔥T&T TRAILBLAZER POST
❤️KARYN @KARYNLIND
🧡 LOCATION: HOMEWOOD, ILLINOIS
đź’›PHOTO BY: TODD L. LINDQUIST
🖤BLACK ”TEARS” ITEM: MAKE MAGIC HAPPEN T-SHIRT (AMAZON)
❤️EDITING: SEAN AND ETHAN LINDQUIST
🧡SKIRT BY: BB’S TUTU STORE
🎤IN KARYN’S WORDS…
As soon as I signed up to do Tears and Tulle, I knew where I wanted to take my photos. I wanted to go to the place where so many of my dreams started, the place I could always go to get away: the library. As a child, I loved walking into the library and smelling all of the books as soon as the doors swung open. It was an inviting smell; promising adventure, learning, and escapes, all in the form of books.
I could sit for hours in there hunting for new books, or re-reading old favorites. The library is where my dream of becoming a writer started, and it’s where I knew I needed to go to relight that fire inside of me.
Putting on my tulle skirt and getting ready, I was really excited to get the photos done.
However, pulling up into the library parking lot, my nerves and anxiety started to get the best of me. I felt a panic attack coming on and I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to go in there, with this huge tulle skirt, and be the center of attention. That’s what my nightmares are made of! But, I thought again about the purpose of the project and that my word of the year is “change”, so I pulled it together and went inside. I was ready to put it all out there for everyone to see; and I am not talking about the skirt, I was ready to share my story…
I was diagnosed with lupus (officially) about 7 years ago. Lupus is a chronic autoimmune disease that is progressive and has no cure.
However, I have been dealing with this disease and symptoms for at least 14 years. It took about 7 years and 5 doctors to finally diagnose me since lupus is the “great imitator”. Being diagnosed and living with lupus has turned my entire world upside down.
Not only did my life change dramatically, but so did the lives of my entire family. We have had to grieve my old life more times than I can count. Because of this disease I was crushed when I realized I could no longer run around with my kids, workout, or even walk long distances. It was a tough pill to swallow, and it took a long time for all of us to accept it.
Having this disease isn’t everything, and it also doesn’t fully define me. Yes, my life has changed in ways I could never have imagined, but it’s also give me a different perspective of life. Lupus can be so isolating. When everyone is out there living and enjoying life, I’m often at home trying to save mine.
So, I’ve learned to find joy in every tiny thing I can. I don’t always make it out of bed, so I am overjoyed when my kids come in to keep me company, or to just chat for a little while. I have the joy of my dogs coming in to cuddle with me while I sleep or just watch tv. Or, the joy of Todd popping his head in to see how I am, see if I need anything, and give me a kiss on the forehead.
Lupus doesn’t just effect my body, it also effects my mind. I have a hard time focusing, I can’t think of words, and I often get confused or forget things. I think this part of lupus is the hardest for me. Part of my fear of doing this project was because of my mind. Lupus is the sole reason I stopped writing in this blog. It gets so difficult when I can’t come up with words or thoughts, so I just stopped trying.
Now, however, it’s time to get back into life and doing what I love; writing.
There is so much I want to write about; I want to share with the world, so it’s time to take my life back. It’s time to write my own story and take control of my lupus, anxiety, and depression. I am the author of my life, not lupus, so I am starting the next chapter of my story and it’s going to be amazing.